A pregnant pause

Well it has happened. I have finished my dissertation and next month will possess a piece of paper that means I can theoretically work as a librarian. Whether I WANT to or not has not yet been worked out in my head to my satisfaction. Anyway, the idea was that as soon as I emerged from academia I would have time to devote to poetry, and to the exploration of the writing process via blogging.

Only, another thing has happened in the meantime: I have become pregnant. It thus remains to be seen whether I will get any writing done before about 2050, but I am hopeful. Possibly I will write about babies.

Things I have learned so far:

1) Expecting a baby makes you radically review your entire life. I was prepared to feel anxious about being a good mother, but not about whether I was a good person. Do I deserve to bring a child into the world? If only I hadn't spent my 20s being too lazy/scared to get myself a proper career, we would have a perfect house and a sensible mortgage by now, instead of a rented one bedroom flat and a box full of unpaid bills. If only I had a dream to pursue instead of a lack of ambition that would put a stoned media studies student to shame, I could feel sure of being a serene and inspirational mother instead of a neurotic bore. If only I had paid more attention to my ecological footprint, done my own composting, bought organic all the time etc etc, I wouldn't be contributing to the global disaster that my child is going to inherit. And if I remain as expert in the art of beating myself up once I've actually given birth to this baby, I will be emotionally black and blue for at least the next eighteeen years.

2) Everyone else's opinions become simultaneously extremely important and extremely unwanted. It only takes one sniffy look at the words 'home birth', or one question about which blood tests I'm choosing to have, to make the whole fragile edifice of our choices and decisions threaten to tumble down on my terrified head. So if you're reading this and you have pregnant friends/family, try not to offer advice until asked for it. We're overwhelmed enough as it is.

Weeks: 12+6