Three months and two days

I'm being slightly haunted by an uncharacteristically stern comment from Penelope Leach (can't check the exact quote because the book is packed away ready for moving house). Something along the lines of 'don't get cross if your baby wants to be held all the time and cries when you try to put her down; it's not her who's being unreasonable, it's you'.

Unreasonable? Maybe. But only in the sense that human beings ARE partly unreasonable. Show me any person who wouldn't feel 'unreasonable' enough to want to put their baby down when by two o'clock in the afternoon they'd not eaten since the previous evening, been woken twice in the night, not showered or dressed, and not spoken to another adult for hours, and I'll show you a saint/liar. It's not that I want to deny Alice's need to be held, but it doesn't make me a bad mother if I also want to perform the basic functions necessary to my own survival and sanity, does it?

Another writer who I mostly respect, Naomi Stadlen, has also made me feel guilty/indignant with her take on 'maternal ambivalence', which she claims is NOT an inevitable part of the mothering experience. She quotes women writers who describe feeling wretched and angry when they couldn't get time away from their babies, and concludes that it's only when mothers want time to themselves - to read, write, earn a living etc - that they feel anger towards their babies. If they gave up these foolish desires they would be a lot happier and not hate their babies any more - voila, no ambivalence after all.

I don't think I would ever *express* anger towards Alice for crying incessantly. But I do want her to shut up without having to attach her to my person 24/7, and not just because I hate to see her upset (though I do). Sorry Penelope and Naomi, but I'm only human.